


Miracles in December

by YeolsTruly



Series: NCT Shenanigans [10]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Doyoung is extremely stubborn, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Lee Taeyong Are Best Friends, Kun and Jungwoo are very supportive, M/M, Mentioned Nakamoto Yuta, One-sided Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Sad Ending, Sickfic, Some Medical Inaccuracy, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, but not that serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26152759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YeolsTruly/pseuds/YeolsTruly
Summary: 5 years ago, Doyoung disappeared when the snow was just starting to fall from the sky.5 years later, he passed away in the same month, leaving everyone shocked.Subsequent to his funeral, Taeyong receives a time capsule that contains the traces of his precious friend's memories before he ascended to heaven.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Series: NCT Shenanigans [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678876
Comments: 13
Kudos: 41





	Miracles in December

**Author's Note:**

> This is the tenth fic I wrote for this series. A few months ago I was struggling to write but here we are now!
> 
> Someone requested me to make another DoTae fic, so I thought to myself, 'Why not?'
> 
> This is tragic, so if you're not into angsty stories, I suggest to leave unless you're ready to tear up.
> 
> Just kidding. I love Doyoung so much but I felt guilty because here's another sickfic about him, but this time he didn't get the happiness he deserved.
> 
> A long time ago, I read a tragic Yoonmin fic somewhere in Wattpad (it was written in my native language) and that's my inspiration in writing this one-shot. It was so beautiful I think I cried after reading that.
> 
> Anyway, I dedicate this story to that author and to you, [moseidend17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moseidend17)! I hope you don't kill me after reading this >_<
> 
> As always, thanks for sticking up with me and I apologize for any grammatical errors!

It is just a big, bloated box, and yet, Taeyong feels like suffocating the moment he tries to open its lid.

Why wouldn't he be? After all the commotion and the devastating news about his best friend passing away, his world has literally fallen apart.

The pain is unbearable, especially that he hasn't seen the younger for approximately five years since his disappearance.

He badly wants to see him again, and when Doyoung really did return, he was never the same way before for he was already lying inside a cold marble coffin, breathless and extremely pale with no trace of life left inside his resting frame.

Five years ago, Doyoung disappeared when the snow was just starting to fall from the sky. Taeyong never liked the winter, and he didn't realize that it will be the very same season that will probably haunt him for the rest of his life.

Jungwoo gave him a strange big box right after the fallen angel's funeral ceremony. The said male didn't say anything but, _'It's from him. He wants you to have it as soon as he dies.'_

He ignored the fact that Jungwoo might have an idea about Kim Doyoung's disappearance because in the first place, how would he even get that strange box? Nonetheless, Taeyong was the last person to leave the funeral. Not even the rain could stop his woebegone soul, and when he did return to his home, his husband could not comfort him.

He feels sorry for caging inside his room for the next painful hours, leaving Yuta alone in their living room. Right now, he just wants to be on his own for the torture is still there, continuously tormenting his mind as it spreads all over his body like a bloody pestilence.

There's a note that is plastered on the lid:

_**Miracles upon Miracles: A recollection of Lee Taeyong and Kim Dongyoung's memories** _

_Before you bury this at the peak of Mount Jirisan where we first met, I want you to open this box first :)_

  * _Doyoungie_



Taeyong caresses the note with his trembling hands. He bites his lower lip for another batch of tears is about to fall from his swollen eyes. He takes a deep breath before he finally opens the lid which immediately takes his breath away upon seeing the contents of the box.

It is filled up to the brim, and Taeyong could only think of one thing about it: The box is meant to be a time capsule for it contains a lot of things that Doyoung and he had either collected, bought, or even made during those twenty-seven years of their friendship.

He slithers his fingers along its contents. Taeyong hears himself choking as he pulls a familiar CD case that has a masking tape plastered on its cover where his messy handwriting can be seen. It was his and Doyoung's first-ever recording, the same song Taeyong had written about his life. He personally invited his best friend to sing the track with him, and together they passed their major exam in their Recording classes.

Taeyong opens the case and sees another sticky note pasted on the CD itself:

_Do you remember the first time we recorded 'Yestoday?' The professors were astounded about the lyrics since you write so well, Yong-ah. I'm very honored to work with you. Since that day, you would always invite me to sing for the demo versions of your songs._

_I never felt bothered by it for I cherished every single day we spent inside the recording studio. I enjoyed working with you, Tae._

It was true, for the next things that the weeping male sees are the rest of the recordings they did from Taeyong's debut as an official producer up to his final years as a part-time choreographer before fully focusing on music composition. Taeyong looks at the remaining CDs one by one. Some of the demos he did with his best friend became successful and were performed by famous artists, while some aren't. Either way, he didn't regret producing those tracks, especially that Doyoung was the sole reason why he kept on having the burst of inspiration every time he writes or produces songs.

The next thing he sees is the picture frame containing a photo of him and his best friend during their college years. They were wearing bright smiles on their faces and there were medals hanging around their respective necks:

_Do you remember this, Tae? We were third years and we managed to win the respective championships in the Major League. Your soccer team claimed its first-ever championship, so as our volleyball team. We were dubbed as 'Best friend champions', or something cheesy like friendship goals. Eww. Anyway, I was so ecstatic and couldn't be prouder for the both of us._

_We spent two heartbreaking years of losses during our rookie and sophomore years, only to be rewarded afterward thanks to our sacrifices through blood, sweat and tears._

_Once a champion, always a champion._

_I miss seeing you play, Captain Lee :(_

"Y-Yeah..." Taeyong whispers particularly to no one, "Y-You were bawling, Do-yah. I can still remember when you practically kowtowed on the floor the moment you guys were declared as champions." He traces his finger across the dusty trophy right beside the picture frame, "Those were the nostalgic days, Do."

Taeyong also finds the friendship bracelet he gave to Doyoung when they were in their fifth grade. Unfortunately, it was already rusty and broken the duo never had the chance to replace it again.

_I'm so sorry if I broke the bracelet you gave to me, Yong-ah. At least I didn't throw it away for I really like it._

_Nevertheless, I know that you're aware that I deeply value our friendship. That's just how I really care about you._

_That's something I could always offer to you that is even more precious than a piece of accessory._

"You don't have to apologize..." Taeyong sobs as he desperately clutches the remnants of the dilapidated scrap metal, "I-I can buy you more of this, j-just return back, D-Doyoungie!"

He continues to dig deeper into the clutter, and the more he sees the items inside the box, the more his voice gets louder as he continues to shed his tears. All this time, Doyoung had been keeping all the gifts he had given to him: The gray headphones he brought for his sixteenth birthday, his signed varsity jacket, the first Final Fantasy game they played together, and even their kindergarten drawings. Each item had respective notes, and Taeyong remembered everything about those.

How could he not? Doyoung's practically embedded in his memory like a tattoo, and every single day they spent together, no matter how tragic or upheaving it was, had a great impact on Taeyong's life.

_I cried when the headphone broke, it was my favorite T_T. I never told you that I accidentally splashed it with orange juice until the day we graduated high school, silly, isn't it?_

"I was disappointed yet relieved. It cost me several bucks just to purchase that headphone for you." Taeyong sadly smiles in between his sniffing, "Also, relieved because you told me the truth."

_I almost laughed when you asked me to sign your varsity jacket upon retiring for our respective teams. It was bittersweet, yet we both know that we must move on and trust our hoobaes in preserving the glory of our teams._

"It was memorable." Taeyong comments, "Two years as champions was a blast. I couldn't ask more."

_We were both obsessed with Final Fantasy to the point that we often spent sleepless nights trying to beat each other's asses. I even begged my mom just to buy me a Playstation set so we could play together. In the end, I would always kick your ass._

"Even prior to your disappearance you never failed to beat me in Final Fantasy." He mutters, his eyes trailing towards the abandoned Playstation console that was stashed under the television desk, "Do you know that I stopped playing that damn game because it would always remind me of you, D-Doie...?"

_The teacher was so impressed when she saw us teaming up for this drawing when we were still six. Do you remember this awful drawing we did?  
_

Doyoung was referring to a doodle that they made. It was a picture of him and Taeyong, holding hands under the sun with a big smile painted on their faces. The drawing was messy, and there were traces of overlapping colors because the duo kept on bantering whether they'll choose purple or blue for the color of their hair. In the end, they chose both, messing up their project even more.

Nevertheless, if it wasn't for that drawing, both males will never discover their passion for arts. Doyoung took Multimedia Arts whilst Taeyong majored in Music and Dance during their college days. They would sometimes share some classes for they were practically glued on each other like twins.

The next few things he saw are new to his eyes, so he patiently looks at the notes that are plastered on each item, one by one. He finds a small music box before he investigates it with his hands. He opens the lid and immediately, a familiar tone is played in the background.

_Broken heart oh even if it hurts a lot_

_The story that we can’t go back to again_

_This short dream oh your memories_

_Today that can’t ever be forgotten_

_If everything is tomorrow then yesterday_

As the music plays, Taeyong couldn't help but sob harder, his throat already aching from his excessive weeping. He couldn't help himself, for he is hearing Doyoung's angelic voice at the back of his mind, "W-Why are you doing this to me?" He pathetically whines, and Taeyong desperately cradles the music box in his chest, "I-I m-miss you so much, D-Doyoungie..." He bawls, repeatedly kissing the surface of the object.

_Jungwoo helped me in creating that beautiful music box. It's such a shame you can't keep it since you don't really need it anyway. If you want to hear me singing that song again, you could always play the track in your playlist, so don't be sad, okay?_

Taeyong knows that it would be impossible to take Doyoung's advice. Who knows, for Taeyong might never listen to that track anymore.

There's also a photo book containing some of their old photos starting from their kindergarten up to their graduating years. Taeyong takes a long look at every photo he sees, and from time to time he would sadly smile as he tries to remember the stories behind those pictures.

_I was planning to put a second photo book since the first one didn't give justice to those memories we created. With a heavy heart, I chose not to since the box might get heavier thus it will be harder for you to carry this towards the peak of Mount Jirisan._

_See? While I'm planing for the contents of this time capsule, I'm still thinking about your well-being. ;)_

"I don't want these pictures." Taeyong insists, "I want _you_ , Doyoung. I want you to come back to me and _never_ leave my side again."

The producer spends another hour checking the items inside the box, and when he reaches the bottom of it, he sees a notebook harmlessly resting beneath the clutter. Just like the other objects, there is a note plastered on its cover:

_If you're reading this right now, then congratulations! You managed to read all of the notes I made for you._

_You needn't read the entries that are written here. Still, if you insist, then thank you, Tae._

Taeyong doesn't know why, but he has the sudden urge to open the notebook right after reading the note. With a heavy sigh, he shakily opens the first page.

**_Letters for Tae_ **

**_December 21, 2014 - December 13, 2019_ **

  * With love, Kim Dongyoung



Taeyong's heart starts to wreak havoc in his chest, plus there is something that is painfully ringing in his ears. He takes another deep breath before turning the next page.

_**December 21, 2014** _

_**Dear Tae,** _

_It's the very first day I decided to disappear not only from your sight but everyone else's. I know this is a bit selfish for me, but I also know that this is for the better good, especially that there is something that is definitely bound to happen to me soon._

_Knowing you, it won't take too long before you will realize that I'm gone. You'll probably find me, but sorry to disappoint you since you'll_ never _find me._

_This decision is also hard for me, I hope you understand it, Tae._

_What's the point of saying these words when in fact that I have no intention to send these letters to you? I sound really pathetic right now._

_Anyway, I wish you'll be doing well._

_I'm sorry if I won't be attending your upcoming wedding._

_It's not that I don't want to miss the most important moment in your life, but at the same time, I can't.  
_

_I don't want to be your best man, Tae. Do you know how heartbreaking it is for me? I couldn't say no because it's you, after all. I'll never resist you, even it breaks me apart._

_Nevertheless, I'm still a coward. It just so happen that my rehab is going to start soon. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, but who cares?_

_I'm glad that I won't be seeing your face anymore, yet at the same time, I'm devastated._

_Yuta Nakamoto is one hell of a lucky guy. I never got envious in my life but I wish I was him._

_Farewell. I love you, Lee Taeyong. That's just the unspoken truth. I've been secretly longing for you since we were kids yet I never had the chance to tell you._

_You don't need to feel about it. It's my fault for falling so hard to my best friend._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

"L-Love...?" Taeyong drops the notebook. "D-Doyoung l-loved m-me...?"

He couldn't respond for he is already vehemently gasping for air. Taeyong harshly pulls his hair before screaming on top of his lungs, "W-Why... Why did you never tell me, D-Do... Why?!"

Doyoung _loved_ him. His best friend was suffering yet he never knew.

Was he blind?

No... Taeyong isn't that kind of person.

"I-I always loved you, until now..." Taeyong barely responds after a moment of silence, "I-I _gave_ up on you because I thought you never felt the same..." He clutches the blanket, his fingers clawing the poor fabric, "I-I gave up on you, Do. I fucking gave up on you..."

_**December 28, 2014** _

_**Dear Tae,** _

_I never told you why I decided to disappear, right?_

_Well... The thing is, I don't want you to worry, Tae. There's this secret that I never told you before since I don't want this to influence your decision making._

_Since we were eighteen, I was diagnosed with Eye Cancer. I did a pretty job in hiding it to you, right? Remember the spectacles that I would always wear? I lied about my eye prescription for I have poor eyesight. That pretty much explains why I never removed my eyeglasses, or why I seldom changed my contact lenses in front of you._

_Your parents knew that I have this terminal illness. I begged them not to tell you since I didn't want you to worry. Anyway, I meekly took my medications, and once a week I would sneak out just to have my check-up._

_It was painful not to tell you, especially that it was depressing me. My headaches were terrible, and I would always lie to you about it. I even faked my medical records just so I could continue playing for the volleyball team. It was hard, but I managed to survive college without succumbing to my symptoms._

_But then, my conditions got worse after graduation. My vision started to get blurry, and shadows and weird spots started to form from my eyesight. Once again, I never told my problems except to Jungwoo since he's the only person who knew about my feelings for you._

_I don't want you to take pity on me. You would definitely do anything just to be by my side and I don't want that to happen. I may be longing for your warmth yet I don't want to steal your time. You're also dating Yuta, and I don't want to cause a strain in your relationship._

_But hiding didn't solve my problems. The more I hide, the more my illness prevailed. Gradually, my medications became weaker, and my body started resisting the medicines I took._

_I was scared, yet I knew that my life's starting to meet its demise. It was inevitable, so I decided to succumb and took the rehab. I've been pushing back the therapy since I was so scared to be caged inside the hospital. I wanted to live a normal life and to continue seeing you. That also includes my helpless feelings, Tae._

_In the end, this is the path I chose. I may be running away, but as I trudge along the thorny path I'm taking, my heart is still aloof and lost._

_I couldn't let you go just yet, so let me be selfish for the remaining days of my life._

_I'll admire you from a distance, so don't feel sad, okay?_

**_\- Doyoung_ **

The next pages are still addressed to him. Like what Doyoung had said in the previous letter, he never sent his messages for he was afraid that it might affect Taeyong's thinking.

**_January 1, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Happy new year! I'm going to make this short. I hope you are doing fine, Tae. I heard from Jungwoo that you won another award for your latest track. I couldn't be prouder for I always know you'll slay every track you produce._

_My chemotherapy just started last December 30. I'm doing fine, except that I'm losing my appetite. Nothing seems serious as of this moment._

_Just expect me to be bald after a month or so. Hahaha. I know you'll never see me but hey? This is my own diary, I will tell whatever I want to say in here._

_That is all, I guess? I miss you, Tae and I love you._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_January 25, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_I hate staying inside the hospital. This is also one of the reasons why I don't want to start my therapy but I guess there's no point in whining about it._

_Lately, I've been puking a lot. Chemo sucks and I can't even taste my food properly. I couldn't even watch anything since the doctor advised me not to strain my eyes. Thankfully, Jungwoo gave me his tablet and I often use it to listen to some music every time I feel alone.  
_

_I miss you. I want to see you and yet I know it's practically impossible._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_February 14, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_It's Yoonoh's birthday, and at the same time, it's Valentine's Day. I hate the latter. Just kidding. I badly wanted to send Yoonoh a birthday greeting but I remembered that no one knew about my whereabouts except Jungwoo. In the end, I asked Jungwoo a favor to give my gift to Yoonoh without telling where it came from. I hope he liked the guitar I bought. It was pink and I'm sure he'll use it._

_Speaking of Jungie, he told me that you and Yuta had gone on a trip to the Cayman Islands. He said that you guys are planning to have a beach wedding. My initial thought was,_ 'That's awesome!' _but the truth is... I'm envious. Nevertheless, I hope that everything has been prepared for the biggest day of your life. I'm always cheering you despite I'm far away._

_I wonder who replaced me as your best man? Once again, I'm sorry about it._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_February 28, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_So my left eye is starting to get blurry. It's only a matter of time before it completely goes blind. Not being a pessimist but I'm already expecting the worst case to come._

_It's pretty complicated to describe the current stage of my illness. Let's just say that the growing tumor in my irises is starting to wreak havoc. I didn't expect that the chemotherapy would fail._

_I guess that I'm really bound to die, huh?_

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_March 17, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Roughly fifty percent of my left eye's vision is gone. No biggie, except that I won't stop crying since the latest release of my current diagnosis._

_Mom says it's going to be alright. I think not._

_I wish you're at my side, Tae. Your hugs are the only thing I need the most during this painful time._

_**\- Doyoung** _

**_March 23, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_It's Renjun's birthday. I anonymously sent him a package._

_I miss his sarcastic remarks. Jungwoo told me that Renjun's business is going smoothly._

_Oh, is it true that you chose Dejun to sing for your wedding? I was shocked when I heard the news. It's not that I'm downgrading Xiao's talent, but I really thought you'll pick Taeil-hyung._

_Nevertheless, I completely understand why you chose him. That guy has the voice of an angel. I'm just thankful that you didn't select me or else I would be already walking out of the ceremony the moment I see Yuta-hyung walking on the aisle. Oops._

_I didn't mean to sound so bitter. I'm sorry, Tae._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_April 23, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Jeno's fitness gym is a bombshell. I saw an article about it. Apparently, that guy managed to fish some big names to endorse his business. I sent him a whole bag of powdered protein shake though I'm pretty sure he'll get discombobulated since I didn't tell that it was me who sent the package._

_Also... As of April 20, I can barely see with my left eye. Most of the time, I'm just laying on my bed and staring straight to the ceiling._

_I think you know the rest of the details._

_Once again, I apologize if my letters are starting to get boring. Love you and I miss you, Tae-Tae._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

The next few pages are blank, and when Taeyong tries to find the next entry, he stumbles across a page filled with photos of him. He doesn't know where those photos came from but they all share the same meaning and shots. They are all candid and a bit random: There's this photo of him sleeping while holding a big bunny caged in between his arms. Another photo plasters a dozing Taeyong while he is sited in front of his work desk. The rest of the pictures look wholesome and sweet. Doyoung must have taken those in secrecy and Taeyong isn't even mad about it.

**_July 12, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_First of all, belated happy birthday Tae-Tae! I'm sorry if I didn't write a letter to you two weeks ago. I feel terrible because I forgot to send you a present. I won't lie, for the last few weeks for me were hell._

_Two months have passed. Too many things happened, but at least I think you deserve to know about the true nature of my illness._

_I have uveal melanoma. There's a tumor on both of my irises and it's been developing rather quickly. I admit my condition isn't going very well, and it's only a matter of time before I become blind._

_Usually, patients don't get blind even though they have eye cancer. The doctors are trying their best and with the help of the current technology, it is feasible. However, fate really is cruel to me. My immune system seems to resist all of the medications I take thus metastasis is possible judging how terrible my condition is._

_If the cancer cells manage to spread out all over my fragile body, it will be the end of me._

_I've been fighting for my life for almost six years now. I'm getting tired. I just want to rest._

_But I know you'll hate me if I do that. The last thing I would want to happen is you'll detest me for giving up my life. With this in mind, I'll continue to keep on living, okay? You will always be the source of my strength._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_September 11, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_I saw Kunhang on the television. I wouldn't stop laughing because that guy really knows how to make his audience lose their minds. He's just a natural comedian. I won't be surprised if the next few years or so he'll garner multiple awards as the best comedian in our generation._

_How is it going for you, Tae? Your wedding is fastly approaching and to be honest, I don't know what to feel about it._

_Jungie told to me that he's going to be one of your groomsmen. His eyes literally shone while he was telling me about the good news, but at the same time, he was sad for me. I told him it was completely fine and advised him not to tolerate my feelings._

_You're marrying your long-time lover, and that lover isn't me._

_I'm not Yuta. That's just the truth._

_Does it still hurt? Yeah, terribly, if I may say so. But I don't want to ruin your big day. Speaking of your wedding, you guys were really serious when the two of you went to the Caribbean for your wedding plans, huh? Beach wedding is such a glamorous set-up and I'm impressed that you're willing to fly over the rest of your guests in the Cayman Islands._

_I don't even know where those islands are located. Just kidding! ^_^_

_Yuta is such a lucky guy to have you. I hope he treats you well and won't be a pain in the ass 'cuz we both know how sassy he is every time he throws his tantrums._

_That's all for now, bye._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_October 28, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_I was planning to mourn again about my condition but hey, It's Sicheng's birthdate!_

_You know that Jungie is my only source for daily gossips, right? I just want to ask you something... Is it true that Yoonoh finally asked our Sichengie out?!_

_I'm very happy for them. Literally! They've been fooling around for ages I never thought that Yoonoh would finally muster all of his courage to officially declare his feelings for him._

_So sorry for the rambles, I'm just really ecstatic, Tae >_<_

_Must be nice when you attended Yoonoh's surprise for Sicheng, huh? I hope that I was also there, although I'm pretty sure that I'll just feel envious again._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_November 15, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Congratulations on the wedding, Tae._

_I saw the pictures. They were all breathtaking. The Caribbean is indeed a wonderful place._

_So everyone was really there except me, huh? All of our eighteen friends had gathered in one place, imagine the total chaos._

_Did they behave well? Is Chenle still the same baby we used to spoil? How about Yangie, I heard that he's completely changed, appearance-wise? Oh, how about Minhyung? Is he still head over heels to Youngho-hyung?_

_I miss you all guys, but this entry must focus only on your biggest day. I heard that Yuta-hyung cried a lot. I wasn't used in seeing him bawling his tears out but I guess it was unforgettable. So Ten was my replacement, Jaemin was the ringbearer and Youngho-hyung was Yuta's best man. That's just so awesome._

_I kind of want to witness the exchange of vows, but I didn't have the courage to view the footage._

_Gosh... I'm really out of words, huh? To be honest, I'm crying while writing this. I can't even understand myself anymore. I'm happy for you, but at the same time, I feel very heartbroken._

_I already told myself that I'm ready to accept the reality and yet... Why am I feeling extremely despondent?_

_Ignore my rants. I wish you the best for the newest chapter of your life, Tae. May you and Yuta-hyung have a fruitful married life._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_December 24, 2015_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Few hours to go and it will be Christmas._

_Merry Christmas, Tae. I hope you got the package I sent for you._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

**_January 1, 2016_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Kun knew._

_He knew that I'm here in Gwangju for my treatment so he visited me._

_Jungwoo never told him about it. Kun never revealed to me on how or when did he know. Instead, he gave me a big hug._

_It's his birthday and yet, he was here with me, comforting my pathetic state with his kind words._

_I cried a ton. Kun and I aren't that close to begin with but we both respect each other. He's someone whom I would always find comfort and he proved that to me._

_I told him everything, including my resolve to avoid you until the day I die. He was upset, but he respected my decision._

_He also reassured me that everyone isn't angry about my disappearance without leaving a note. Rather, he told me that you guys horribly missed me and were worried for my sake._

_I'm really sorry, everyone._

_The same goes for you, Tae. I just want you to live your life without minding my selfish wishes._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

Taeyong closes the diary for a moment. He takes a deep breath as he silently sits on the floor, his thoughts spiraling like an endless loop towards an endless abyss. He tries to absorb all those painful days Doyoung tried so hard to endure. He hates himself for being so dense about the younger's misery.

"How could I not worry for you, Doie?" He brokenly mutters while looking into the void, "If you just told me everything earlier... Then nothing bad will happen. You're still with us. I love Yuta, but before I met him you were the only person I wanted to be. Why Do, why?"

His heart is already throbbing yet he is determined to finish all of the entries. With trembling hands, Taeyong notices that the next few entries have huge time skips, probably those were the days when Doyoung was struggling the most.

**_October 31, 2016_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Hi. I apologize if it's been months since the last time I wrote a letter to you. I'm going to be honest. My right eye is also starting to falter. Writing has been almost impossible for me and Jungwoo would often help me. He insisted that he could do all the writing but I don't want him to carry that kind of unnecessary responsibility._

_The doctors are about to decide whether the operation would be possible for me or not. I reckon the latter because the cancer cells are starting to eat my body. It would be suicide to do it. I'll decline anyway since I don't want to bother my parents with the expenses. They already did so much for me._

_Here's a punny wish I would like to have. I want to see your face for the last time, Tae._

_Dream on, Doyoung. Dream on, for it will never happen._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

"Y-You should have just begged Jungwoo to bring me there!" Taeyong sobs harder, "I won't hesitate, Do! I'll cross the sea for you, and traveling to South Jeolla will be a piece of cake for me yet why?! Why didn't you do it...?" He chokes and gnaws his lower lip, fighting back the choke that is about to escape from his throat, "Y-You're not selfish, Doie... In fact, you would always think for my sake before your own good."

**_February 1, 2017_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_Kun gave me a cute bunny cake. Although I can't see how beautiful it was, the three of us (including Jungie), ate it inside my private room._

_Surprise! My right eye can still see, although it's very blurry. Still, I'm just glad that I still have extra time left before it completely shuts down._

_To be honest, I don't feel any pain. My body may be lethargic but that's it. I can still sit and move, and Jungwoo would always bring me to the balcony to let me have some fresh air. Kun would occasionally visit due to his work but every visit he would do is priceless. He's such a charming man and if wasn't for my feelings for you I would have fallen in love with him._

_Hahaha. My heart says, 'Like Kun would like a blind guy like you.'_

_So do you, Tae. I look really miserable. I can't even see my reflection anymore._

_Regardless, I'm still breathing._

_Oh, congrats on winning another award. Kun also informed me that he'll be collaborating with you. I can't wait to hear the track that you guys will be producing._

_Annyeong ^_^_

**_\- Doyoung_ **

_P.S - Sorry if my writing's starting to get messy._

**_June 19, 2017_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_I think God heard my prayers._

_Since March, my radiation therapy has been going well. My right eye is still far from being healthy but at least it survived up to this moment. Metastasis seems to have stopped and my doctors are meekly watching out for my left eye._

_Maybe it was a miracle, but whatever it was, I'm thankful._

_Could you believe that Jungie had given me a huge body pillow for 'behaving' so well? He told me I was being a good boy for following the doctor's orders >_>_

_Meh. But that's cute. I'm all giddy on the inside since he still cares about me._

_The same pleasantries prevail: I hope you are doing well, Tae._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

"It's not a miracle, Do." Taeyong whispers, his voice chilly as if his life force is slowly slipping away from his system, "It's the result of your hard labor. A reward, to be exact." He slumps against the bed and looks up at the ceiling, "It's funny it didn't last, though. Maybe you really are an angel that's why the heavens decided to welcome you too early for my liking."

_**August 13, 2017** _

_**Dear Tae,** _

_So Nana and Jeno have finally tied the knot, huh? I can't believe that those two would actually get serious. I thought they'll remain childish for the rest of their lives._

_It's the former's birthday which also happens to be their wedding day. Talk about being cheesy, I bet Jeno planned for it!_

_But seriously, I'm beyond words. Donghyuck was Nana's best man which was no surprise, duh! I saw the clip of Injun crying, he was hilarious!_

_Though I can't blame him for bawling. I'm just proud of them since they decided not to be coward (I'm talking about me, okay T_T). Their household is going to be chaotic, I swear, especially that Nana has been fantasizing about having a lot of kids. Jeno might lose his mind but I know he'll never let his new husband down._

_Besides, I think they will turn into magnificent parents._

_How about you, Tae? Are you and Yuta planning to have kids?_

**_\- Doyoung_ **

"They now have three kids." The producer fondly smiles, "Two of them were adopted from Daegu, whilst the last one was a child they rescued. It's a long story, but they love their kids as their own. About me and Yuta... We still haven't decided about it. Maybe we will, but not now."

The next page contains a picture of his dear friend sitting in a wheelchair. The background looks ethereal; Doyoung looked like he was outside because he was surrounded by trees. Beside him was Kun and Jungwoo wearing big smiles, and even though there's a huge patch hiding Doyoung's left eye, the said male is also brightly beaming.

Beneath the photo is a short note:

_Hey. It's me, Kun. Doyoung wants you to see this although he is still stubborn enough not to send the photo._

_He's doing fine, hyung. We're doing our best to make him feel loved._

**_November 22, 2017_ **

**_To TY-hyung,_ **

_Hello, hyung! It's weird to write you a letter even though you'll probably never see this._

_Anyway, it's not Doie-hyung for today. It's me, Jungwoo! Today has been emotional for him. It's Chenle's birthday so like he was always used to do, he sent him an anonymous gift. Somehow, Chenle had figured out that it was from him so he sent back a thank you message. Doyoung-hyung won't stop crying. Here's the note Chenle gave him:_

You're too obvious, Doie-hyung. I know it's you.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this. I understand if you still want to remain hidden so I won't pry.

I just hope you're okay. Everyone is eager to see you again and always remember that they aren't angry about your disappearance.

See you someday again, hyung ^_^! I miss making you whine. Renjun won't even acknowledge my jokes T_T

Love you, hyung!

_Chenle's words were genuine. It was a no brainer why hyung got emotional. Anyway, his treatment is starting to get... I dunno, stagnant? He's been doing well these past few months but suddenly his therapy isn't working anymore._

_Writing is almost impossible for him. Expect his next entries to be shorter._

_That's it for now. He's still fighting, don't worry._

**\- Jungie**

"I knew it." Taeyong massages his temples, "His respite didn't last."

**_December 21, 2017_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_It's been three years since I disappeared. There's a lot of things that happened, but I can't even remember them all._

_Maybe because I'm just repressing all of the bad memories. I kind of wish that the cancer cells would erase a part of my memories but sadly, they won't._

_My illness may be torturing me but it is still ruthless and unforgiving. My body wants to give me a slow and painful death._

_Winter is going to start soon. Do miracles really happen during the last month of the year?_

_I think so. It was December when we met and we were still young during that time. For me, it's a miracle to have you in my life. There were a lot of bittersweet memories, but I do not regret any of those._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

"For five painful winter seasons, I tried to find you..." Taeyong speaks while caressing the photo album, "But then, I can't even sense your presence anymore. But you know what? I also feel the same way. Miracles do _happen_ during the month of December. You are a _miracle,_ Doie."

_**May 23, 2018** _

_**Taeyong-hyung,** _

_It's me again, Kun. Doyoung's right eye is nearly blind. Right now, he can't do anything unless someone will guide him._

_He didn't want us to pity him. He would still do his best not to disturb his parents. He would also often say to me and Jungwoo that he's alright even though it's clearly not._

_His face turned into nothingness but the remnants of the past. He looks dead and barely breathing. Most of the time, he's lifelessly laying on his bed._

_Jungwoo's jokes weren't working anymore. I tried to give him a lot of food but he barely touched any of those._

_One day he told me he wanted to hear your voice again. I showed him your speech when you won your first international award. He was just listening as he silently cried._

_He still loves you, hyung. I commend him for staying so loyal even though he's hurting a lot._

_He's the only selfless person I knew in the entire universe. You're lucky to have a friend like him, hyung._

**_\- Qian Kun_ **

"I mentioned his name during that speech." Taeyong grabs the picture frame once more and points at Doyoung's face, "D-Doie... I-I made that song just for you, d-do you like it?" He raises the frame with trembling hands and shakily kisses Doyoung's lifeless image, "I-It's for you, Do. I-I hope you're still listening to it even though you're already in the afterlife."

**_August 19, 2018_ **

**_[*Jungwoo here again! But this message is from him, I'm just writing what he is saying.]_ **

**_Dear Tae,_ **

_There are some things I want to say to you Tae before I become completely blind._

_1.) It's expected that I'll lose my vision. I'm just waiting for that moment to happen. Radiation therapy is formally useless. I'm starting to experience metastasis and as days go by, the cells are rapidly traveling all over my body. I did a pretty good job of holding back the tumor for approximately... I dunno, Nine years? Still, it's been a long and exhausting ride._

_2.) Surgery isn't advised. There's a huge chance I'll instantly die so technically... I'm just counting the remaining days of my life._

_3.) I still love you. Pathetic, right? Despite getting married and not seeing you for almost four years, I still yearn for your presence. Sometimes I would have pleasant dreams about you, Tae. We were happily living our lives plus we were together. I could still remember your voice repeatedly rinning in my ears. You told me in my dreams that you also love me back. I just sadly smiled at you and whispered that I knew, even though it's only brotherly affection._

_4.) There's this point that I hated Yuta-hyung for having you. I thought to myself, 'Why him, and not me?' Again, I can't manipulate your feelings. I'm not you and I'll never know what your heart dictates unless you blatantly reject my feelings. Nonetheless, I feel terrible for thinking like that. Yuta-hyung has done no harm yet here I am, cursing him for being your partner._

_5.) I almost considered euthanasia. Kun was extremely angry when I told him about it. Thank the heavens I mentioned that rash decision to him or else I'm probably inside my own grave as of this moment. Kun reminded me the reason why I keep on fighting. He was right. I just need to push deeper even though it's practically impossible for me to survive. I remembered that I'm doing this for you. I want to make you proud for standing up to my last breath._

_Without Jungie's help, I would never consider writing a long entry. That's is all, Tae._

**_\- Doyoung_ **

Taeyong takes a deep breath, "Jungwoo and Kun really helped you a lot, huh? They are so good at hiding since they never mentioned a single thing about you. I should thank them after I read all of these letters."

**_December 3, 2018_ **

**_Taeyong-hyung,_ **

_As of December 1, 2018, Doyoung is completely blind. It was a piece of devastating news not only for his family but for Jungwoo and me. We badly wanted to tell the rest of the gang but again, Doyoung wouldn't appreciate it if we betray his trust._

_He's still stubborn about revealing his current state. He kept on insisting that he didn't want to make the others worry._

_He won't stop sobbing. He was just screaming and desperately clinging to his mom, afraid of being alone inside his room._

_It terrified him since he can't see anymore. Jungwoo and I would take turns in comforting him, and there were moments that he would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and flailing around his bed._

_He's a strong person, but he's quickly falling apart._

**_\- Qian Kun_ **

_**February 1, 2019** _

_**Taeyong-hyung,** _

_We got him a therapy dog for his twenty-eighth birthday. His name is Pepper and he's a Samoyed. He's really friendly and Doyoung loves him. We would often bring Doyoung and his new friend outside where they could hang-out. He badly needs fresh air and he also mentioned to me that somehow, the wind reminded him that he's still alive._

_We should have given him a dog earlier. Pepper loves to snuggle by his side and Doyoung hardly lets his cute paws. They look so perfect for each other and Pepper never fails to provide comfort to his degenerating body._

_Speaking of his condition, he's getting worse each day but we choose not to overthink. What's important is to make Doyoung happy until... No, I refuse to say that word._

_Here's a photo of Pepper. Doyoung said that he wants you to take care of him once he... You know what I mean, hyung._

**_\- Qian Kun_ **

"I'll make sure to take good care of him." Taeyong comments while observing the picture of Pepper attached just below the entry, "He's a beauty. I'll be forever grateful to him for making you happy."

**_March 8, 2019_ **

**_To TY-hyung,_ **

_I'm sorry, but no Doyoung-hyung for today. Jungwoo here, and I just want to give you a quick update. Doie-hyung's cancer cells have officially spread out, relentlessly metastasizing to the point that hyung can't even stand up from his bed. He can't properly talk anymore, and feeding him has been difficult. We weren't allowed to bring him out which is clearly not good for his mental health but hey, what else could we do?_

_Doyoung-hyung didn't even want to talk with us anymore yet we knew deep down that he's still fighting for your sake._

_I feel like my heart is going to get crushed every time I see him suffering. I told Kun-hyung a lot of times about my desire to tell you guys about hyung's condition before he passes away but he reminded me that Doyoung wouldn't want his friends to see him in such a deadening state._

_Why life is so cruel? Hyung doesn't deserve to suffer like this. Sometimes I ponder, what if you noticed his feelings and both of you ended up together? Will he experience the same pain and suffering? Will he still be situated here, laying like a dead log as if his soul has already evaporated from his body?_

_What if you never met Yuta-hyung? Will things change? Is it even possible to rewrite history?_

_Sadly, no. These are just some of my absurd delusions. I'm sorry, Tae-hyung. I may not be the one who's experiencing a terminal illness but you'll never understand the agony I'm holding until you see Doie-hyung's state._

_Despite this, he still loves you._

**_\- Jungwoo_ **

"I would rather perish than him." Taeyong blankly replies to Jungwoo's questions as if the latter could hear him, "Even though his illness can't be magically erased, I would still want to be by his side during those painful times he helplessly succumbed. I just don't understand why Doyoung didn't want to meet me. Even though he's already dying... He is still thinking about me. To what extent your selflessness will prevail, Do?" He traces his fingers along the music box before he opens it once more, and his best friend's voice fills his ears, "You just gave me another reason to love you even more, Do."

**_April 18, 2019_ **

**_Taeyong-hyung,_ **

_Pepper won't leave Doyoung's side. One day, Do told me that even though he can't see Pepper's face, he greatly reminded him of you. He said that Pepper's warmth was just like yours and the way on how Pepper would snuggle by his side is exactly the same thing you would always do when you guys were still kids._

_Do is expected to have six more months to live._

_We're doing our best to convince him to let you see him._

**_\- Qian Kun_ **

"But he never wanted that to happen, right?" Taeyong sniffs.

**_September 29, 2019_ **

**_To TY-hyung,_ **

_Doie-hyung won't stop saying your name in his sleep._

_He told me to make you a music box so I immediately obliged. It was custom made and I ordered it from Latvia. After two weeks, it arrived and Doie-hyung instantly fell asleep when he heard his own voice singing._

_I was surprised when he confessed to me that since his rehab, he's been doing a time capsule. His work just got interrupted when his condition got worse so Kun-hyung and I took the initiative to do the remaining things that he never got the opportunity to finish._

_By the time you're reading this, I guess you already saw the contents of the box._

_You need to bury the box, hyung. It's just a shame the music box is included with it._

**_\- Jungwoo_ **

**_November 12, 2019_ **

**_Taeyong-hyung,_ **

_This is Kun but Do wants you to receive a simple yet meaningful message for you._

_He wants you to know that he loves you and will always be at your side._

_He managed to surpass the six-month time limit for his life which clearly indicates that he's still fighting, but we're not a fool._

_It's near, and we're just doing our best to say by his side when that time comes._

**_\- Qian Kun_ **

**_December 13, 2019_ **

**_To our beloved Taeyong,_ **

_As of 1 pm, Doyoung has finally passed away. He had a smile on his face when his heart stopped. We didn't know what to feel about it. He looked peaceful as if the thorn that was torturing him for the past ten years of his life had finally left his body. He had a long journey but today it ends._

_The reality hasn't sunk in yet for both of us. We've been taking care of him for the past five years so it was really hard for us to let him go. We were there during his highs and lows and we witnessed all of those tears he shed as he desperately tried to forget all about his past._

_Maybe the cancer cells killed him, but we reckon that it's the unrequited love that completely destroyed him. He's been emotionally dead since day one and we're just there, attempting to revive the life he needed to deeply hold on._

_We lost a great friend, but Do lost everything._

_His parents are planning to bury his body back in Seoul so that everyone could at least see him._

_Even to his death, he still looked like an angel._

**_\- Kun and Jungwoo_ **

Taeyong had a long look on his face the moment he closed the diary. He was just reading Doyoung's painful journey, and yet, he felt as if he was there with him because the writings in the diary seemed to radiate his entire experience.

* * *

The three-hour drive to South Gyeongsang seemed a breeze. Taeyong didn't even notice that he was already at the foot of the mountain until he almost got hit by a truck.

He almost wished that it happened, only that he can't, for Doyoung wouldn't appreciate it if he tries to take his own life. His friend didn't sacrifice himself just to let Taeyong perish.

Even the whole travel time towards the peak felt like a blur. He was lifelessly trudging behind Kun and Jungwoo while cradling the big box in his arms.

Mount Jirisan is where everything started. He and Doyoung met there when they were still kids and it was purely happenstance. The latter was lost and relentlessly running around in circles for he couldn't find his family. Taeyong saw him crying in one corner and the rest was all history. His parents helped the lost child and since then, they became best buddies. They both live in the same neighborhood in Seoul which explained the start of their friendship.

The totality of the view reminded him of nothing but bittersweet memories.

He then remembers that he isn't there to reminisce about the past for he is there to grant Doyoung's final wish. Pepper is also with them, and from time to time the adorable Samoyed would look at Taeyong with his black orbs as if he already knows the producer.

The said dog has been temporarily staying with Jungwoo until he brought him along for their trip. Pepper looks a bit gloomy because he might be wondering where his owner had gone through.

Taeyong quickly thinks that his best friend was right. He and Pepper look almost the same. He doesn't find it weird to be compared to a dog. In fact, it makes him a bit happy about it.

"He's been eying you for the past few hours. I think he likes you." Jungwoo comments while feeding Pepper with some dog treats. They are currently in the waiting area, resting their tired legs. Beside him, Kun smiles and nods his head in approval, "Pepper's a therapy dog, after all. I bet he senses Do's presence in Taeyong-hyung's scent."

"But Doie-hyung and TY-hyung haven't seen each other for a long time." Jungwoo deadpans. Kun just shrugs and holds the Samoyed's leash, "I don't know. Must be fate, who knows? Come on, the sun is already setting."

They are thankful that there aren't any tourists present along the trail. It is freezing cold since the snow arrived a bit early, and Taeyong almost laughs because he feels like fate is actively playing with his life.

It was also a snowy December when he first met his best friend. Not to mention, it was also snowing when Doyoung disappeared five years ago.

Talk about timing.

They continue to ascend despite already feeling numb from the cold, and with every step Taeyong takes he feels like his heart is about to explode inside his chest since he won't stop from palpitating.

"You okay, hyung?" Jungwoo asks when he notices the older's face looking so pale, "Do you need to take another rest?"

Taeyong shakes his head, the box he is holding is still firmly caged against his chest, "No, I'm alright. We're already halfway there. Might as well continue our trek."

Jungwoo just nods in approval. They continue their walk, and from time to time the duo would check the older if he is still okay or not.

They are deeply concerned about Taeyong's mental health. The said producer barely talks since Doyoung's funeral and it's only been a week since the ceremony.

Today is December 29. Taeyong doesn't know what to feel about it.

Finally, they see the majestic view of the sunset just a few meters from where they stand. Jungwoo practically runs like an excited child just to welcome the view, and Pepper comes running behind him, his tail wagging.

"W-Whoa..." Kun stammers, his eyes gawking at the setting sun, "I have no words. It's... Breathtaking."

"It's even better during spring." Taeyong mumbles beside him. Kun meets his gaze, "Really?" The latter just merely nods and starts to walk towards the pitfall, "Yeah. Doyoung loves visiting the mountain during his birthday."

They find the perfect spot where the wind is the calmest, and Taeyong takes his time in digging a relatively small area for his beloved time capsule.

There's a tree present beside the spot. Taeyong slowly places the box, his face looking inexplicable. He opens the lid and runs his fingers against its contents for the last time.

"I got your wish, Do. Are you happy up there?" He looks up at the orange sky, "I bet you're smiling right now. Forgive me if I took the music box, it's just a waste not to see it anymore. Jungwoo spent his time just to order it so might as well keep it. Besides..." Taeyong smiles, a loose bead of tear has fallen from his eye as he glances at the picture frame inside the box, "I won't get tired of hearing your voice, Do. For me, your voice is the most mellifluous sound I've ever heard. It's one of a kind, and I'll forever remember it."

He takes a seat beside the dirt and Taeyong is starting to choke again with his tears. Kun kneels behind him and proceeds to rub his back. Jungwoo also joins him onto the ground before he hugs his side, "I wonder what would happen if we both ended up together? I honestly don't know, but I bet it would be ecstatic. I regret not saying to you that I also loved you, Do. But that was the past, and also don't regret marrying Yuta. He's now a part of me but it doesn't mean that I have completely forgotten about you."

"You will always stay in here." He points at his chest, "I'll forever cherish our moments and I'll always visit your grave. It's true that you're not with me anymore but your memories will permanently stay at the back of my mind. Farewell, Do. I expect to see you again in the afterlife." Although he is already shaking hard, he manages to stand up, "Or who knows? We might end up together in our second life." He laughs before facing his friends.

Without a word, both Kun and Jungwoo give him a bone-crushing hug which triggers Taeyong in unleashing all of the repressed emotions he's been holding for hours.

He cried a lot. His friends never uttered a single complaint about it. They just stood there by the hole, comforting each other and were trying their best to think positively for the sake of their fallen friend. The wind gently blew and caressed the trio as if Doyoung was there with them as he reminded them that they have to keep strong and continue to move forward.

"Do miracles really exist during the month of December?" Taeyong mumbles after completely burying the time capsule. Jungwoo places a flower on top of it, "I think you already knew the answer for that, hyung."

Taeyong just sadly smiles, "Yeah. I know the answer." Kun wraps his one arm around his neck, "Let's descend now. It's getting dark and Do wouldn't want us to get lost while walking along the trail."

Jungwoo lightly giggles and rolls his eyes, "Absolutely. I can already picture Doie-hyung's face as he chastises us while looking down from heaven."

Taeyong takes a final glance at the time capsule's memorial grave, "So long, Doyoung." He mutters before they finally disappear from the mountain peak. Pepper's loud barks can be heard from the background as if he just sensed something--- or _someone_ standing alone at the peak.

Upon their exit, they missed the apparition of a smiling Doyoung who was standing by the time capsule's burial spot. He was back to his own self, the glow in his entire frame was back as if he never suffered a terminal illness, _**"You and those things you've done for me are the miracles, Tae. Miracles do**_ **exist** _ **in December."**_

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe they will be together in the afterlife. 
> 
> How about you, do you believe in miracles?


End file.
